


work up to it

by elysium (lawlietslullaby)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alexithymia, Autistic Keith (Voltron), Character Study, Gen, M/M, Mostly Platonic, but romantic if you want it to be, kind of, sue them, they're two teen boys in the vacuum of space and they get a lil sad sometimes?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8122816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lawlietslullaby/pseuds/elysium
Summary: his eyes get wet and shiny and lance sees and they’re reflecting the starlight (the stars shine brighter here) and lance is moving closer.lance is the best space therapist one could hope for and for keith, figuring out how he feels is like trying to solve a sudoku puzzle





	

Keith is sitting and looking up at the stars, and they should be beautiful but they’re not. He sees them too often, has seen them up close and upside down and sideways and isn’t as taken with them anymore. Lance takes his helmet off and sees him sitting there. He joins him quietly and if it wasn’t for the clink of armor on the ground next to him he might not have noticed.

“Pretty, huh?” Lance asks. There’s no hostility in his voice, and Keith is glad. He’s already on edge and he can’t handle a bickering session right now. Keith is often like that; on edge, but Lance even sounds a little tired, the pleasant kind where you can just fall asleep in seconds if you lay down, if you close your eyes. 

“Not really. They’ve lost their touch.” Lance snorts, sounding outraged. He is so quick to go from nothing to everything at once. 

“Lost their touch? God...The stars could never stop being beautiful.”

“They were all I looked at in the desert. They’re all I see now. I'm kind of sick of them.” Lance grows quiet.

“Well in that case.” There’s a silence settling between them. Normally Lance despises those silences, clutches for words and topics to keep the sounds alive even if they are of no substance. Today, he sits.

“How big do you think the universe is?” he asks after a moment. Were they on Earth, were they living different lives, sitting next to each other under different circumstances, it would be an absurd question. Keith doesn’t even blink.

“Very big. I don’t know. I'm sure we could find out if we asked Allura to look it up. We’d only know the size of the known universe, but it’d be a good starting point.” Lance looks at Keith for a second, and Keith is about to say “What” when Lance starts laughing.

“You’re so...You’re really logical, you know? I like to think big ideas and Pidge, Pidge is really logical too, but she can break away from that for a minute and kinda speak my language, right? She thinks big with me. Hunk, too. We’re all like that.” Keith suddenly feels guilty, belittled maybe.

“Yeah, well. I never really got the social etiquette and relatability classes everyone else seems to have gotten.” Lance senses Keith’s discomfort and waves his hands.

“No, no! That’s not an insult. I know you might find that hard to believe.” Keith scoffs. But it’s not. It’s not bad, you being logical. I think we need that. I don’t know. It reels us in when we’re getting too...ambitious I guess.” he laughs. “I think big thoughts and sometimes I don’t think about the little stuff.”

“I can’t not think of the little stuff.” Keith says, and Lance smiles.

“Good! Then we can look out for each other.” A few thoughts pass through Keith’s mind at that point. Things like no one has ever looked out for me before and I don’t know how to look out for other people. Things like what the hell are any of us doing up here in the first place.  
“Hey.” Lance says, getting Keith’s attention. “You look like you’re thinking pretty big thoughts right now. I know I never ask, but I never know what you’re thinking about. I think I always assume you’ll snap at me. I know you’re guarded, but something tells me you every right to be.” Keith considers Lance’s words. 

“I know,” Lance begins “That I am not always the sweetest person to you. I was defensive at first, but that wasn’t really your fault. I’d heard your name come out of a lot of different people’s mouths and you just...you just kept being better than me at everything and it really pissed me off honestly. That wasn’t you. You didn’t hype yourself up like that. You were just you, I suppose. Unapologetically. But what I'm trying to say is,” he takes a big breath. “If you ever wanna talk. I can be a pretty nice guy. Hunk vents to me all the time. I can listen. I can listen if you want me to. I wanna hear what you have to say. And it only...it only has to be what you’re comfortable saying.” It’s a lot to think about. Keith isn’t used to things like this. He feels his heartbeat quickening in his chest, his body overwhelmed at the prospect of companionship.

“You okay?” Lance asks. “Am I being weird? I'm not trying to be. You see- You- You make me nervous.” Keith looks up.

“I make you nervous?” he asks, eyes wide. He sounds surprised, and it almost makes Lance smile.

“Yeah. You’re intense.”

“And you’re not?”

“Good point,” Lance laughs. “but you can tell when you see me I'm not really a big threat. That’s your thing. You’re better at everything. The fighting, the flying, the logic…”

“I'm not. That’s all Shiro. I'm not better at anything.”

“You’re at least better at hand to hand combat than me.”

“Maybe. But you have other skills I don’t have.” Lance looks intrigued.

“Like what?” he asks.

“Like knowing how to make people smile and laugh. You’re really good at eye contact. I hate that. And you always tell everyone just how you feel even when we don’t want to hear it.”

“Wow, such compliments from Keith Kogane himself.”

“Shut up.”

“And he’s back. No, Keith. you could get better at that stuff. Well...Actually I think you make people smile plenty. You don’t notice. You know Shiro is really proud of you? I see it sometimes. He looks at you and there’s this little sparkle there. You make him smile. Allura smiles when you take down those gladiators. Pidge likes your style. your deadpan. She’s really good at that, that’s her thing. She appreciates it in other people.” Keith hums, he’s thinking.

“And” Lance says. “You make me smile. You can be so frustrating. You and I aren’t exactly peas in a pod. We’re definitely different, but sometimes that frustration is amusing. I don’t hate you. I thought I did but I don’t. I don’t know how you feel....”

“I never hated you. You started that. I just met you and you were rude. I didn’t know why. I just decided to be rude back. I was more focused on Shiro, no offense.”

“None taken, and you’re right. You’re nice, Keith. You’re not a super cuddly guy, but you’re sweet all the same. We know that. I think we all know that if we think about it. I think you’re nice in ways we aren’t familiar with. I verge more towards hugs and back claps and words of encouragement. I think you’re subtler. I think you’re quieter about it. I think,” he says, looking at Keith with twinkling eyes. “that you’re worried if you make a big move it’s gonna blow up in your face.” Keith tenses. “Ah! Is that it? Am I reading you right? I like to think I'm getting better at it.”

“You talk a lot.”

“Yeah. I get that a lot. I have a lot to say. Maybe you can’t relate. Maybe you can. I don’t know. Other people’s shit to mouth filters are a lot stronger than mine. That’s a flaw. I'm aware of it.”

“You really just say everything that’s in your head, don’t you? I can’t do that or everyone yells at me.”

“Are you talking about that thing with Allura and you saying we shouldn’t go get her? Yeah, that was assholish.”

“Yeah, but-”

“I wasn’t finished. It was assholish, but it was logical. I yelled at you at the time because I was upset, and personally, I wanted Allura back. I thought that went without saying. You were logical about it. You were less on the person side and more on the mission side. I get that. I think in the future that’ll come in handy. At that point, though, we needed Allura. However, you were right. they did know we were coming. I didn’t forget about that.” Keith nods. That’s fair.

“You know we all love you right?” It’s completely out of left field.

“Huh?” Keith asks. Lance just looks at him with soft eyes.

“We love you. Do you know that? We’re not gonna...We’re never gonna let anything happen to you. You’re with us now. I know that you were alone for a long time. You were alone a lot longer than people should ever be alone. I'm so sorry for that. I don’t know why the Garrison even kicked you out. They told us it was a discipline issue. But you have us. We love you. I just wanted you to know that. I feel like you forget that. I feel like you forget that a lot. Maybe you never realized it at all. I wanted it out there. I think we all thought we didn’t have to say anything, but I think that kinda thing doesn’t work for you. So I wanted to tell you directly. We love you, Keith.” There’s a weird feeling in Keith’s chest. He doesn’t know what it’s called because it’s new. He doesn’t think he’s felt anything like it. he thinks he might be sad. Maybe a little relieved. But if sadness is what he’s feeling then it’s heavy. Oh god it’s heavy. And it’s hard to breathe-

“You want a hug? You look like you don’t feel that great. You don’t need to tell me why, but um...The offer is there if you want it. Any time actually. It doesn’t even have to be now. not even later tonight. Just anytime you need a hug, I'm here. Or hunk. Any of us probably. Sometimes we just get in Hunk’s bed and lay there in like a big hug puddle. We did that back at the Garrison, too. Maybe sometime, if you wanted, you could be a part of it.”

“I don’t know how I feel,” Keith says. “I'm not just saying that. I honestly don’t know. Shiro used to have this checklist he found online and he’d ask me. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you angry? We’d go through the emotions. It was hard. Even with the words, it’s hard to match the feelings to them. I just feel...something and I don’t know how or what to call it.”

“I can do that for you. I can ask those questions. I can help you, too. Do you want that?”

“I think I might. I'm not sure. It’s hard.”

“Are you sad, do you think? You look sad. Look at me.” Keith looks Lance in the eyes and it’s hard. His instinct is to look away but Lance is studying his face.

“Sad. I'm getting a sad feeling from your expression. Why are you sad? Isn’t it good to be loved?” Keith’s throat feels sore and tight and closed shut so no words can come out no matter what. It’s a tightness of his chest and a burning behind his eyes and fuck. He’s so sad. His eyes get wet and shiny and Lance sees and they’re reflecting the starlight (the stars shine brighter here) and Lance is moving closer.

“Are you crying?” His voice is so soft it’s almost nothing at all. “You don’t have to cry. You can. You can cry if you want to, if it helps. Why are you sad? Where does it hurt?” Keith hits his chest with a hand twice hard. He moves to get up. He feels anxious. a fight or flight response. Keith wants to go home suddenly, wants his desert shack.

“No,” Lance says weakly. “Don’t leave. This is part of us loving you. We help you, we work through things with you.” He’s starting to stand up too and Keith flails his arms.

“No. Wait. I don’t know. Hold on.” He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. The tears aren’t coming out but they’re not stopping either.

“Don’t make them stop. They need to leave. You need to cry. You’ll feel better after, I promise. Can I help you through it? You don’t know how to cry right. Sit here. Talk with me while you cry. It always works with Hunk and I. Best therapy you can get in space.” and Keith thinks to himself that if Lance is the best space has to offer, maybe all the money spent on uncovering space’s mysteries has gone to waste. Keith sits back down.

“Good. Nice. Okay. Why do you think you’re crying?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I'm sad. I don’t know.” 

“Crying because you’re sad is a good reason, but let’s go deeper. You cried after I started talking about us loving you. Does that hurt you?” Keith gets hit with an unexpected wave of sorrow, gets the urge to cover his face and then nods quickly.

“Ah. Is that...is that not something you’re used to? Were you loved back on Earth?”

“No.”

“Not by anyone at all?”

“Shiro maybe.” He had been like a brother.

“Was he the first person to show you that affection?”

“Mhm,” It’s so hard to talk about these things.

“Well then it is an honor,” Lance says “to be one of the first people to love you, Keith. It’s an absolute privilege.” Keith feels like he’s going to break into one billion pieces.

“I'm sorry,” Keith says, scrubbing at his eyes. “I don’t like stuff like this. I don’t like feeling like this.” A feeling like he might just short circuit. 

“Nobody does. I'm glad you’re talking about it. It festers. And...you’re safe here. You can talk about whatever you want. I won’t judge you for it. This is different. This isn’t friendly banter. I can shut up if you’d like.”

“No. Keep talking. It’s too quiet out here. It’s missing something.”

“Crickets. Bugs. The sounds of life back on Earth. What I wouldn’t do for some rain, y’know? Even a mosquito. I'll take anything.” He sounds gently thoughtful, and Keith isn’t sure whether his heart rate slows or speeds up. Lance looks beautiful. 

“I don’t know,” Keith says. “I think this is okay. For now, anyway. We’ll get used to it.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“What?”

“Get used to it, I mean. What if I want to miss the sounds of Earth forever? I don’t wanna get used to this..this...this emptiness, you know? I don’t know about you but I love Earth. I love it and everything about it. Does some shitty stuff happen on Earth? Yeah. but that’s not really the Earth’s fault. It’s the people that live on it, right? So I really wanna get back home whenever we can. If we ever can. If there’s ever that sliver of an opportunity, I'm gonna have to grab onto it.” He turns to Keith.

“You feelin’ any better? Sorry. I made that about me for a second. What are you thinking about? What’s on your mind? Hey, move closer. You’re so far away.” He isn’t. It’s less than a foot’s distance, but he scooches closer anyway. It’s hard to make words come out of his mouth. Real words. Ones that actually convey his feelings. It goes against his nature. He wants to change the subject. He feels Lance’s hand nudging his, doesn’t get it.

“Okay, so this isn’t easy for you. that I can see. it’s okay, we’ll work up to it. Wanna hold my hand? You can just hold it if you want. Or you can squeeze it really hard to get rid of some frustration. Humans are social creatures, dude. I think some human touch could do you some good. So?” He holds out his hand, and Keith takes it. The fabric of his gloves rubs against Lance’s, and it’s weird, like he’s not really touching his hand even though he is, but it’s nice. He can admit that. 

He thinks he can do this; hold someone’s hand and talk with them about his feelings. The second part will take some time, but Lance seems undeterred, smiling as he holds Keith’s hand.


End file.
